notes to myself

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It really shouldn’t surprise me anymore. How many times we start and stall and start and stop and start again. How many times we have to relearn and unlearn and give in and push on. Maybe it’s just me, but do you ever feel like you are repeating the same lessons over and over again? My lesson this month is that my body is worthy of exercise. Everyone I know got this lesson long ago, and they’ve moved from fit to mindful to downright cheerful, even when it is about showing up to “bootcamp” at 6:00 a.m. on a holiday (you know who you are).

This morning during my walk I was happy, yet appalled at the toll my most recent weight gain plus a month of being sick (which to my credit, Steve claims is the sickest I’ve been in 24 years) has taken on my fitness. I’ve been fit before, you’ve witnessed it. But at the moment I am humbly repeating the start of something new.

I’m 56, shouldn’t I have this grown up thing mastered? I was under the impression I would get to spend my second half being accomplished and wise.

Yeah, I guess I misunderstood how this works.

Exercise isn’t the only repeat offender, there’s plenty more I think I should have down by now. How to use my camera’s light settings, how to cast off my knitting, how to make a dessert (I know where to buy them, just not how to make them), how to dress fancy without the accompanying anxiety, how to manage my hair (now longish and grayish), how to properly use a semi colon, how to identify birds, how to use the ATM (please don’t judge me), how to stay on task for longer than 20 minutes, how to remember a joke, how to be gracious when I am annoyed, how to show up when I am needed, or more importantly, the moment just before I am needed.

Again and again and again. When I typed this out, I saw that it was a gain. It shocked me so much that I looked for spell check, but since I was on the typewriter, well, I was left to my own devices to determine if that was correct. Certainly I will be better off if I consider this the free and continuing entertainment and education of Kim. At least that way I will deserve a glass of wine at the end of the day.

And happy new week. Again.

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