India~The Day of Despair

It is 6:00 am Thursday morning and I am awake in Kolkata. I have hot tea, clean sheets, a lovely bathroom, and breakfast downstairs. When I go home on Saturday, I will enter a home with multiple cupboards full of food. Cupboards so full with food that eventually some of it will be thrown away. Kate will be deciding if she will study art history, photography or creative writing. Alex will be dividing her time between music, softball and cycling. We may spend $200 for a day of family skiing. There will be so much laundry that it will take the entire weekend to finish it.

I have no pictures from yesterday, because it just wasn’t possible. It took us 2 ½ hours to drive 27 miles. While we did see some beautiful landscape, mostly rice fields, we had people pressed up against our car, and certainly not far from our car for most of the trip. There’s no relief here. Again, my perception of poor has been challenged.

I remember when I first started this journey, five years ago. I celebrated my 45th birthday in a village in Costa Rica with Global Volunteers. The village had no hot water, the road was dirt, the school was small and basic, and the health center was smaller. I thought that was poor.

We visited the rooftop office of the local NGO. Here, they continue to work as volunteers, focusing on the untouchable castes, and the handicapped. And yes, the manager did look a little like a young Gandhi to me. They are excited about the training modules, but struggle to find the funding to purchase them and go through the training themselves. The Malaria training would cost about $150 dollars, which is a huge amount of money to them. They would be able to train over 100 self help groups (with added personnel). An average of 15 women per group. Four or five people per family. That sounds like a powerful return on the dollar, certainly more useful than the suitcase full of gifts that perhaps cost the same.

We drove, and then walked into the village. We were quiet, and I heard Chris say, “Wow, this is tough.” As has happened everyday, everyone was out (including the cows, pigs, chickens and goats). They brought a wooden table for us to sit on, and the women sat before us.

The Self Help Group here is about a year old. It is mainly a savings group, and they have only received the one REGS training. However, no one here has been able to get their work card. They tried, but the local government wouldn’t give it to them. There was no laughing, no excited chatter. They just sat and waited for us.

After an introduction, we asked a few questions from the group. The women seemed to argue between themselves, and we didn’t see the “spark” we have experienced in the other groups, including the one yesterday. The folks at Reach know this group isn’t functioning well. It’s important to see the struggling groups, as well as the successful ones.

We then split up for individual interviews. Chris and I followed Fula Devi to her home and sat in a very sweet little courtyard. She was lovely, and spoke well, so I was certain we would find hope here. She shared with us that she had three children, and two had died. One from a cold. She didn’t know how old she was, she didn’t know what caused malaria. She is a day laborer in the field. In the morning she wakes up, sweeps her floor, and goes to the field. No one looks after her children. At night she brings home 1 KG of rice and feeds her family. Rice, two meals a day, every day. When someone gives her a potato, she will add that.

I tried asking my “hope” question every way possible. What is she proud of? What are her dreams for her children? Where is her small joy? What would make her smile? She always answered that the group helps her with her savings, so when she can’t feed her children, they can make the loan. She said, “I don’t see any happiness in my life.”

This is as close as we came to a hopeful quote. “When I go for the meeting with my SHG group, we are happy, laughing and sharing, and then I go back to my home with my sadness.”

Chris was right, this was tough. I can not imagine to be so poor, in such deep despair that when asked what brings you joy, one doesn’t automatically say, “My children!”

Amber and I joined the large group again, while Chris did his video testimonial. The women were unhappy we had just focused on two different families, so this was a “keeping of the peace” interview. Amber asked some food security questions, and I once again tried to reframe my hope questions. They did say they liked the training, because the story helped them learn a lesson, and see how they can solve their problems. But the voice that stands out for me was the woman who said “Who can we have any happiness if we don’t have money to feed or educate our children.”

If you have read this far, I am grateful.

I am humble. Sad. Questioning why I got the good life, and she got her life. This day has been a defining day for me.

I am inspired by those I’ve met who work with these women. I had one short meeting….they keep at it, day in an day out. They keep seeking new ways to help them help themselves. They haven’t given up, so neither can I.

There were some fun moments yesterday. Today was the last part of the Puja for Saraswathi. The children would place her on a cart, make a procession down the town, and dump her in the river. While this village had no Saraswathi, we saw the “downing” several times, and we probably saw 100 processions. We ended with coffee, and yes, shopping. I bought stickers from a vendor selling them out of an open umbrella. The flight back here was tiring and I had dinner in my room. I didn’t finish all of it.

Today we go to the Reach office, and I am excited to meet up with our colleagues here again. I need to feel what they feel, and gather some strength for the journey ahead.


About kim tackett

Northern CA marketing consultant, writer of very small stories, and drinker of very strong coffee.
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4 Responses to India~The Day of Despair

  1. elle says:


    I am in awe of all you are experiencing. Your ability to feel it and put it into words is humbling to me. As I’ve read what you’ve written, I sometimes smile. More often, my eyes fill with tears — for these women, their children, and for you. I know you’d love to wave a magic wand and send all of their sadness away on a stiff breeze.

    You’ve done an amazing, brave, and wondrous thing. I am so very, very honored to have someone like you in my life.

    Travel safely.

    much love,

  2. Sean says:

    Very powerful Kim. Thanks for capturing these voices and images. Rural Bihar represents a stark contrast from Bangalore or other cities and communities in the South…

  3. Eden Rocks says:


    Thank you for sharing your experiences and feelings. I sit in my comfortable office waiting with baited breath to hear from all of you, and wonder what impact this experience is having on you all. I am wondering no longer, and can’t wait to welcome you back with a warm hug, share some tears as well as laughter, and buckle down with you to continue doing our important work. Love to you for the remainder of the journey.

    From one superwoman to another.

  4. Michele Gran says:

    Kim, I’m honored to know that you attribute the beginnings of this “journey of the heart and soul” to your service work with Global Volunteers in Costa Rica. I was truly inspired to see our name come up in your post today. Thanks to you for your amazing commitment to our world! Michele Gran, Global Volunteers co-founder.

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